The Road To 50

Next month, I turn 50. 

That fact doesn’t come as a surprise to me. Yet when my husband said it out loud last week, I burst into tears. 50 not a surprise; the tears, that was a surprise, and I wondered why.

In the midst of my pondering, my daughter E came home from school with some the work she had been doing in class. One of the projects she showed me was an essay she wrote comparing who she used to be and who she is now. E looked back in time at her 11 years and reflected on how she changed. She wrote, “I used to be scared of performing in plays, but now I know I can do it and it will be okay if I mess up.” And, “I used to be afraid of dogs, but now I know my dog is my friend.”

As I read her essay, I realized that part of the emotion I was feeling around my age was the simple yet remarkable realization that I’ve walked around the earth for as long as I have. During that journey, I’ve come to understand my world and my place in it in ways that I didn’t understand before. 

I think that’s called wisdom.

So for the next few weeks, I am taking my inspiration from E and will be exploring with joy and with wonder the ways I used to be, the way I am today, and the lessons that got me there. 

I’m starting with the lessons of friendship.

“I used to put work and boyfriends before my friends, sometimes changing plans with my friends at the very last minute. Now I know the value of these relationship and try to make them a priority in a crowded life”

When I was younger, there was a lot of stuff that could get in the way of my friendships. I was working hard, because I thought that in order to get promoted, I needed to do everything at work and do it exceptionally well.  Same with the boyfriends. I wanted to do everything I could to make them happy so they could see that I was the best girlfriend. Ever.

And since I was working so hard with these efforts,  the thing that I was able to move around, to be not be so good at was my friendships. They’d understand if I rescheduled. Again. And again.

And they did understand. They put up with it. They stayed friends with me. Which showed me that while I was working hard get people in other parts of my life to see how great I was, my friends were over there, waiting for me, all ready seeing that I was great. 

And finally, I got it. If these are the people who love me, even when I am messing up, then why am I not devoting my time and energy to them?

So, finally, I put my friends where they belong - right next to me. 

If there is one thing that remains constant to me, it’s the fact that I am blessed beyond to belief to have the group of friends that I do. It’s with these friends where I am myself. Where I share my fears, my hopes, my joys, my disappointments. And they share theirs. And together we laugh and scheme and hope and dream and give each other what we need until the next time we can get together for more of the same.

When I was younger, I made choices based on what I knew to be true at the time.  But if there’s one lesson that I value more than anything, it’s the importance of keeping these beautiful friends right by my side.