Kindness

I have been feeling a bit discouraged by all that is happening the world. The earthquake and tsunami, and nuclear disaster of Japan. The horrible violence in Libya. The outrage of those in the Middle East and Northern Africa who want basic rights of freedom.


When I hear these stories, I feel at once a passionate need to help fix the world and a complete and utter powerlessness to affect any kind of real change.


So when I read Jennifer Louden’s blog post about the sadness in the world, I felt like I could do something positive. In the post, she writes about the importance of really feeling  sadness in these troubled times. She then talks about practicing 19 random acts of kindness over the next few days as a way to be of service to a world that needs it.


I loved this idea, and set about practicing some kindness.


Keeping track of my acts of kindness made me happily notice that I approach most people and situations with kindness and respect. It comes naturally to me. A special thank-you and compliment to my regular barista at Starbucks. A “well-done” to my insightful auto mechanic. A listening ear to the other dog owner at the park. Picking up trash, helping the elderly, letting people in front of me, I am there.


Yet even with all this goodness flowing around, there is still one relationship where I am lacking, one place where kindness doesn’t rule. At all. In this relationship, I can be cruel, extremely judgemental, and very slow to forgive.


It’s the relationship I have with myself.


Keeping tabs on kindness exposed to me to the notion that in my efforts to be kind, I might want to start by looking in the mirror (and not at the wrinkles). I might want to focus on bringing kindness to the way I treat myself.


Because, honestly, if a friend talked to me the way I talk to myself, I’d really never speak to her again.


All day long, while the world receives my message of love and kindess, there’s me reminding myself of the need to be better, faster, stronger, and more organized. And when I am not better, faster, stronger, or more organized, I just can’t seem to stop telling myself how much I have failed, and how the world would be a better place if I could just get it all together. Sigh, if only.


Conversations like this one: I took up a new project at work, organizing this big event. I’d never done this type of event before, and there were lots of details, lots of vendors to coordinate, lots of deadlines, lots that could go wrong. And while a few things did go wrong, most things went right. If I were a friend, I would say "Wow, how amazing you are to take on this project with such grace. Wow, you've learned  so much! You put it together so beautifully.  So a few things didn't go right, but hey, you learned, didn't you?" That's what I would tell a friend.


But in conversation with myself, the tone is so harsh. I say repeatedly what a huge mistake I made, how could I have let that happen, how could I not have seen that one coming? And I’d be sure to remind myself of the hugeness of this mistake again when I am lying in bed at 2:00 in the morning, just in case I didn’t hear it the first time.


I know I am not alone with this. I know others speak to themselves with the same level of criticism and negativity. All to often, we are our own worst critic, our harshest opponent, our own nemesis.


So when we look at making the world a better place with our acts of kindness, I am advocating that we each start with ourselves. Let’s improve the quality of the conversation that goes on inside our heads and make room for compliments and good words and celebrations of greatness there, inside.


By treating our own selves with kindness, we can feel a sense of okayness, of love, that can then enable us to go out into the world and risk the kind of love and goodness that will truly make the world a better place.