As my daughter E and I were walking down the street this weekend, we spied another mother and daughter across the street. The mom was walking really fast and the daughter was running to keep up. Then I heard the daughter say “I came in first! How can you say I need to go faster?”
Faster.
Walking on, we then past another mother who was talking to her son. She said, “That was your personal best, but I bet we could be just a bit better.”
Just a bit better.
Later in the day, we went to E’s violin recital. To call it a recital is a bit grand, as she’s only been playing the violin for a couple of months. Yet it was her first one, and there she was, playing “Variations on Twinkle” in front of 50 people. The program had E going first, followed by 20 other students of varying skills and abilities.
One girl got up to play, and I was just struck by her beauty. She was probably 16 or so, tall with this beautiful presence on the stage. She was a gifted player and performed what sounded like a very challenging piece with grace.
At the end of the recital, I overheard the beautiful girl and her parents talking. The first thing her father told her was that he heard her miss a few repeats, just few, but they were in there.
The first thing he told her was how she could be better.
I try not to be too judgmental of how other people parent. I know, or at least I hope, that we are all doing our best, working hard because we want good things for our kids. But when I hear conversations like this, I wonder how we define better. Because when I hear conversations like this, it just breaks my heart.
There seems to be a group of parents whose focus is to make their child the absolute best at everything they do. We live in a culture of accomplishment, where kids are valued for what they are able to achieve.
It seems it’s no longer okay for kids to be just average, that they need to work harder, go faster, get stronger, be better. But no matter how hard they try, they’ll never be enough, because there will always be someone who is smarter, faster, stronger than they are.
And I have to wonder, how does that make them feel? And, how does it affect them as they make their way in the world.
I read a wonderful book on parenting a few years ago called “The Blessing of the Skinned Knee.” It was written to encourage parents to foster things like gratitude and respect in our children. This book gave me the best parenting advice I ever heard: “Love the child that is in front of you.”
For me, that means that I love (with all my heart) the child who doesn’t want to play soccer, the child who misses a few notes, the child who needs to work really hard at math. It means that I love the child who doesn’t touch green vegetables and has a messy room. And it also means that I get to love the child who has an amazing imagination, the child who cares for others with such tenderness, the child who calls me Mommie.
Like the parents I overhead this weekend, I too want the best for my daughter. I want her to do well, but most importantly I want her to feel good about what she is doing and about how she is doing it. And that takes love. Pure, simple, unconditional, love.
Excellent post. From an upbringing all too similar to the violin playing girl, I tried to give my own children unconditional love, no matter what they could or couldn't do.
ReplyDeletethis is a wonderful post. i'm right there with you - as a homeschooling mom i find myself cringing when i hear other moms talk about their "gifted" son, their "talented" daughter, how early the kid read, how the baby was potty trained by the time he walked and i hate it. i hate the pressure people put on children. i hate the labels.
ReplyDeletekids are magical. they're amazing. they're naturally creative and spontaneous and so very unique. what is wrong with loving your child as they are? after all, they are each unique and each have gifts and talents that deserve our unconditional love.
and a wonderful mother you are...so beautifully written
ReplyDeletePerfect words for any parent. I can say I wish I had done this better when mine were growing up, but I can only change for today.
ReplyDeleteA wonderful post, and I love the quote, "Love the child that is in front of you." Love and positive feedback probably propels kids farther, or at least in better directions, than criticism ever could.
ReplyDeleteAnother beautiful example of your writing that is a gift to so many who read it, and there's nothing like giving unconditional love to children, I wish more parents would let go of their own egos and just love.
ReplyDeleteLovely. Gratitude and respect can never be over-taught nor over-lived.
ReplyDeleteCongrats to E. on her first recital. Did she enjoy playing for others? I hope so.
ReplyDeleteI have some good violin stories too! When G. was learning, our cat would cry and try to climb her leg....I loved to listen to her play and admired her quickness.
As we watch our children on their journey it is such a fine line between being supportive, encouraging and pushing.
Again, it is all about trust. Trusting them, yourself, and the One in charge. I am still striving to find the balance and most of all, to enjoy the trip!
The wisdom in this makes me want to cry. I'll be back later. I have to ponder.
ReplyDeleteThis struck such a chord with me today and you hit the nail on the head..."pure, simple, unconditional love" no matter if the child is brilliant, average, troubled, quirky, or boxed and labeled by adults in gleaming towers of higher learning. Beautifully written, Marion.
ReplyDeleteSuch good food for thought... yes that subtle message of "doing better" that almost always carries the implication we are not enough, and we don't measure up. I am going to take the quote with me "Love the child in front of you," and see if I can put it into full practice :) Thanks for the great post!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a kid I was validated only for excellence. I grew into an adult who never wanted to learn anything new because she wasn't good at it.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm 62 and I'm starting to do things I'm not good at. Feels weird but also good.
this is so right on. kids do their best naturally. i just can't see taking that, away from them. goodness, i can't help but love them first, then everything else after that.
ReplyDeleteit helps to remember we were their age once.
sigh
and
i loved that book.
xoxo
woof--good for me to read today. not a child of my own, but a student i meet with every day really got me riled up this morn. when we got back in the car, i told him we'd take a pass on this particular morning, write it off, with the knowledge we wouldn't have another like that. his response, a little later, "i had a really fun day today". wow. gotta love what i got.
ReplyDeleteas always, thanks for the wisdom.
I agree wholeheartedly. Talents come when and where they do, they do not need to be forced. Life is for living, not for practising!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure as mother you have heard of the insane program to "get your babies to read" The first time I heard about it, my son was 8 months old. It was from another set of parents with a 12 month old. "You should do it!" they told me, raving about how they saw their child already making progress. "No thanks" was my polite response.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking back to a child development class I took in college. We were talking about how lots of parents these days want their children to read at a young age, as if it makes them better somehow. One girl in the class who worked at a preschool said this. "I gave one child a piece of clay and he looked at me like, what in the world am I suppose to do with this? The child could read, but he had no concept of creativity." What you've said here is showing just that. Parents are pushing their kids so far that they lose themselves, and is that what we really want?
http://abookagirlajourney.blogspot.com
Linda Myers's comment "When I was a kid I was validated only for excellence" struck a chord. This was how I was raised. The downside to this was that I developed a fear of failing. So for a large chunk of my life, I would stick to the safe stuff or overprepare to prevent failure.
ReplyDeleteIn the past five years, all the things I fear will happen has happened and I watched myself fail completely and utterly. I can't begin to tell you what a gift it has been to allow myself to fail in order to fully recognize success.
At the same time I am grateful that my parents pushed me toward accepting no less for myself.
Great post! I'm all for 'you did great!'. That's what comes out of my mouth first. Anything else can wait for a quiet moment and a different time. If it needs to be said at all. I found Mila's comment really interesting.
ReplyDeleteThanks for Rewinding at the Fibro.
competi-parenting again … sigh! i wonder if you asked them WHY they were raising their child to attain material success, they would be able to answer. it is insanity to assume that there is no point trying anything unless you are the VERY best.
ReplyDeletepersonal best, on the other hand is something worth striving for! xt
Very cool post. Thanks. With two boys - one who wants to play soccer and one who doesn't, one who paints from an imagined perspective and one who needs the sky to be blue, "Love the child that is in front of you" is such a brilliant and pertinent phrase. Such a privilege and so incredible to watch each little human being unravel, grow, think and risk at their own pace.
ReplyDeleteThis is wonderful. "Love the child in front of you" is probably the simplest and best parenting advice I've ever heard. And do you know what? I wonder how much of this stems from these parents not loving their own inner child enough.
ReplyDeleteIn early high school, I was a straight A+ maths student. I said to my mum "If I work really hard, maybe I could become a doctor one day" and her response was "No, because only girls like X end up as doctors". This, and similar comments, broke me. I love my mum, but I will never say anything like this to my own children.
Thanks Marion for another amazing post. x